Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
