The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
