Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
