I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
