i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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