I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
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