I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
