Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I think I just shit out all my problems.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
