the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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