His pubic hair was longer than his dick
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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