Say something about gay babies.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Randomize
