You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
