why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
