im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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