I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
