I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
