i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
