I cannot find my penis.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
