please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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