i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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