Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I just gargled with NyQuil
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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