I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Randomize
