Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
