Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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