there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
