I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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