i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
