Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
