This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
