Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
