So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
