I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Man, jail baloney is awful.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
