Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
We left an ass print on the piano.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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