if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
