I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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