i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
