When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
