Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
