The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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