I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
