1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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