he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
