no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
