And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
