P.S. I can't hear my feet
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
