Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
