I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Randomize
