Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
