maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
