I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
