I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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